Causing My Own Heartbreak

As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

14 months ago I let him in to see the real me.  I showed him my scars, my fears, my self-hatred.  He did not understand, but he learned to accept.  At that time I had just started college and I was lost.  I had no feelings. He gave me something to feel.  He put a smile on my face that was genuine.  He gave me butterflies in my stomach.  I started to crave him. Every weekend was spent with him. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. But he wanted me.

10 months ago he started talking to other girls. We had just become “official”.  He asked me to be his after a night of drinking and me begging him to ask me. I let it slide, it hurt and he knew it did.  He held me as I cry.  He said it would never happen again.

6 months ago I left to go home for the summer.  I think he was scared when I left, we almost broke up but I convinced him to stay.  We had so much trust over those weeks. We had our ups and downs, but we both weren’t good with long distance.

4 months ago I came back. It was different but we were adjusting. He got his own apartment. His dog died. He cheated on me.

2 months ago I found out.  He was on his second other girl and talking to even more.  I found that he had been talking to one for longer than he knew me.  I beat myself up.  I slapped him.  He got mad. But I begged him for forgiveness.  I begged him to let me stay. He did.

1 month ago he promised everything was better. We were smiling.  I was checking his phone as he slept. I was anxious, he was calm.  He had everything he wanted. He had everything he needed.

2 days ago, he was talking to more girls.  He may have had one over for all I know.  He has been so distant.  But I have been asking too many questions, making irrational stories, texting too often.  Trying to close the distance just created more.  I wanted to talk, he wanted to sleep.  I gathered my things and asked him to take me home.  He had nothing to say. I sat outside for hours crying trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hardly slept in between panic attacks.

Last night, he agreed to meet.  I couldn’t just leave it where it was. I need closure.  I need him.  When he arrived we were awkward, but I asked to go for a walk. He accidentally called me boo.  It all went down hill from there. I grabbed his hand and held it.  We cried, hugged, talked, joked, kissed.  We were going in circles.  He decided he needed space and he wasn’t right for a relationship, but yet he played with my hair and stroked my cheeks.  He wants to be friends. I want to be more.  Shouldn’t it be the other way around. I should be the one backing away. I should be the one breaking up with him. I know that I deserve someone committed 100% to me and only me.  But I am suffocating in the hope I have that he can give that to me. He just needs to figure that out. He has cheated, made me wait hours to get a responds, backed out of plans. He has made me truly smile, feel good about myself, felt happiness.  Maybe someone else can give me that but I don’t want to risk losing him.  I feel weak.  But I feel in love.

Before he left I asked him if he loved me. He held me and said yes but only sometimes. He finished by confirming he would text me, this topic wasn’t done yet.  As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

“we want to be fixed by the same people who break us and that’s the worst kind of pain imaginable” – r.h. Sin

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