Fall Feelings

It’s December, and I am in shorts and a tank top.  Christmas is a few weeks away, I have already bought so many presents, but I am not feeling the joy of the season.

Growing up in the North, I miss experiencing different seasons. I thought that now having an endless summer would help avoid the weather mood swings: I was wrong.

High School in New York:

Summer: My favorite.  The sun, the warmth, and no school!  Worked a lot, but made money. Adventures with my two best friends through waterfalls and malls. My mood ~ I could usually make it through the day with a smile and laughs, but nights always came with crying for no reason.

Fall: Soccer season. Hours of practice and games. Surrounding myself with a team who didn’t really like me. Adjusting to the routine of school. Early mornings and late nights. My mood ~ disappointment in myself, lonely, and hardly sleeping.

Winter: Basketball season. Even more hours of practice. Snow, ice, and long days. Midterms and winter vacation. Family visits and lots of food. My mood ~ cold, tired, and hopeless.

Spring: Softball season. Recovering from the harsh winter. Snow would surprise us every now and then, but the flowers and birds would come around too. Bright green would replace the dead brown grass and trees. My mood ~ a little more upbeat because warmer and end of school close by; but still sad nights.

College in Florida:

All the seasons are the same.  There is always sun, warmth, and school. I was hoping to achieve a more positive look, like I did in summer at home. But instead I figured out that the weather does effect my mood, but not as much as the night.  And I can never escape the tired thoughts that consume me as I lay awake.

Monday Music

Hi guys,

So I decided to add something new to my blog.  To increase my motivation and posting I joined a Community Event where I will post a song that I really connected to throughout the week.

Music has always been a form of escape for me, so this fits well.

If you guys want to share any of your favorite music with me, I am always looking for new stuff!!!!

This week I am choosing Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?”. From previous posts, you may have figured out I am going through a rough time in my relationship.  This song connects to both sides of the issue.  I do not understand why my boyfriend decided to act the way he did, but I also do not know why I decided to stay. I just want the cycle to end. We have our constant ups and downs, but I think it will all be worth it in the end. I have never been a Justin Bieber fan, but his new lyrics have really connected to me.

But that’s not me.

“But you did a great job”I have been constantly told my entire life.  I have been fortunately enough to have an amazing family that supports me with everything and anything I do.  My school grades have been above average. My athletic abilities beat the norms. My body doesn’t gain weight. I am so incredibly lucky.

But why don’t I see that.  I never feel good enough.  Not once has my dad said I have disappointed him, yet everyday I feel like I could be doing more. My grades are high, but anything less than an A gives me anxiety. I was recruited by multiple teams  in high school, but yet I didn’t try out for the soccer team in college. I am normal for my height, but yet I still consider myself chubby and find myself skipping meals.

But you would never know.  My mom has her own life to care about.  I have straight A’s, I can’t complain.  I can run 4 miles without stopping. I can go a whole day without eating and not show any signs of fatigue.

But who cares. I can pretend to be happy with my parent’s divorce.  I can pretend to live with the stress classes put on my back. I can pretend to forget about the adrenaline felt in a game. I can pretend to walk across campus confident in my body.

But that’s not me.

Causing My Own Heartbreak

As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

14 months ago I let him in to see the real me.  I showed him my scars, my fears, my self-hatred.  He did not understand, but he learned to accept.  At that time I had just started college and I was lost.  I had no feelings. He gave me something to feel.  He put a smile on my face that was genuine.  He gave me butterflies in my stomach.  I started to crave him. Every weekend was spent with him. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. But he wanted me.

10 months ago he started talking to other girls. We had just become “official”.  He asked me to be his after a night of drinking and me begging him to ask me. I let it slide, it hurt and he knew it did.  He held me as I cry.  He said it would never happen again.

6 months ago I left to go home for the summer.  I think he was scared when I left, we almost broke up but I convinced him to stay.  We had so much trust over those weeks. We had our ups and downs, but we both weren’t good with long distance.

4 months ago I came back. It was different but we were adjusting. He got his own apartment. His dog died. He cheated on me.

2 months ago I found out.  He was on his second other girl and talking to even more.  I found that he had been talking to one for longer than he knew me.  I beat myself up.  I slapped him.  He got mad. But I begged him for forgiveness.  I begged him to let me stay. He did.

1 month ago he promised everything was better. We were smiling.  I was checking his phone as he slept. I was anxious, he was calm.  He had everything he wanted. He had everything he needed.

2 days ago, he was talking to more girls.  He may have had one over for all I know.  He has been so distant.  But I have been asking too many questions, making irrational stories, texting too often.  Trying to close the distance just created more.  I wanted to talk, he wanted to sleep.  I gathered my things and asked him to take me home.  He had nothing to say. I sat outside for hours crying trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hardly slept in between panic attacks.

Last night, he agreed to meet.  I couldn’t just leave it where it was. I need closure.  I need him.  When he arrived we were awkward, but I asked to go for a walk. He accidentally called me boo.  It all went down hill from there. I grabbed his hand and held it.  We cried, hugged, talked, joked, kissed.  We were going in circles.  He decided he needed space and he wasn’t right for a relationship, but yet he played with my hair and stroked my cheeks.  He wants to be friends. I want to be more.  Shouldn’t it be the other way around. I should be the one backing away. I should be the one breaking up with him. I know that I deserve someone committed 100% to me and only me.  But I am suffocating in the hope I have that he can give that to me. He just needs to figure that out. He has cheated, made me wait hours to get a responds, backed out of plans. He has made me truly smile, feel good about myself, felt happiness.  Maybe someone else can give me that but I don’t want to risk losing him.  I feel weak.  But I feel in love.

Before he left I asked him if he loved me. He held me and said yes but only sometimes. He finished by confirming he would text me, this topic wasn’t done yet.  As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

“we want to be fixed by the same people who break us and that’s the worst kind of pain imaginable” – r.h. Sin

Don’t Let Me Jump

“Breathe.”

“Let it go.”

“Calm down.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You need to change.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are just overreacting.”

“Why are you so depressed?”

SHUT UP! You’re not helping me!

I know you are trying, but its not working!

What can I do to make you understand my thoughts?

I can’t talk to you without feeling as if I do everything wrong!

You look at me with judgement and pity, when I come to you for comfort and love.

The cliff’s edge is closing in, I’m trying not to jump, but you’re pushing me towards the darkness.

Your light still shines;

Four years ago, I told you to suck it up and take some Advil for your headache.  We had practice and we needed to be ready for our first game.  I needed you to play, coach couldn’t know you were in pain.  You listened, but it didn’t get better.  A few days later, as I climbed on the bus looking for you, I knew something was wrong.  You wouldn’t be late to our first game.  Soccer meant so much to you, I never met someone with so much passion and dedication.  When Coach announced the news, so many emotions rushed through my body.  I immediately blamed myself.  If you went to the doctors sooner, maybe they would have had more control.  But I told you to suck it up.  I let four goals in before I pulled myself out of the game with tears covering my face.

Four years of strength and suffering.  With cancer there is no escape from the treatment, the pain, the reality that life ends.  You never showed that side of cancer. You never let it get a hold of your spirit.  Your smile remained pure and filled with hope.  You weren’t suppose to make it to the end of the season, but four seasons later your smile still lit as you joined a college team.  You won homecoming queen.  You danced at prom.  You walked across the stage and earned your diploma. You proved all the statistics and diagnosis’s wrong.  You achieved more than most in just four years. Cancer did not define you, you defined courage.

Four years later I am wordless and numb. But I promise I won’t let you down! You are my superhero. No cape or magic powers… Your smile and courage was all you needed. You have and will continue to bring light when I see only darkness. I don’t know what happens after our “life” here, but I know whatever or wherever it is: it’s more beautiful after it gained you. You gave me hope, and now I know it’s real. Hold On Pain Ends. Rest in Peace Beautiful Girl.

Round One: Who am I

Life is about finding yourself and determining who you are.  After nineteen years, I am still not sure! I think this is normal tho, I don’t think we will ever stop learning, growing and changing.  But for now, this is what I know: I am attending college in Florida, studying Finance.  I was born in New York. Upstate, far away from the city.  I grew up playing soccer, basketball, and softball.  My life consisted of sleep, school, practice, homework, repeat.  Low grades always caused me to have panic attacks, so if I wasn’t playing, I was studying.  I developed a high work ethic, time management, and dedication.  But even with high academic standings and earning awards in sports, I wasn’t satisfied with myself.

My depression started freshman year of high school, but diagnosis didn’t come till the end of junior year.   Hiding my feelings and crying silently became daily activities.  Constantly fighting the thoughts in my head was tiring but I hardly slept.  I am not sure why the feelings of hopelessness and self hatred started.  An extremely tragic event never occurred, all I have is my genetics to blame.  Close relatives of mine struggle with bipolar and schizophrenia, its not unlikely that my family history caused my illness. At least thats what my therapist said.  In college, my depression continues, but I am learning to control my emotions better.  My grades are still high, but my self esteem is low. Being alone is an obstacle I am trying to over come.  I am currently pledging for the professional business fraternity, Delta Sigma Pi, something incredibly outside my comfort zone.  I also work three jobs that consume parts of my life.  I am thankful for the opportunities, but my busy schedule doesn’t allow for the “normal” college experience of drinking, partying, and all nighter Netflix binges.

Many people have asked me why I am so different and weird, why they never see me out, or why I am not having a good time.  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. I am not the only one that wants friends, but just can’t seem to make them.  I am not the only one struggling every day to put a smile on my face.  That is a goal behind this blog: I want to meet and help others like me.  I want to prove we are not alone. I will share stories to connect us, opinions and ideas that you can comment on, and motivation that we can both use to keep going.