Don’t Let Me Jump

“Breathe.”

“Let it go.”

“Calm down.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You need to change.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are just overreacting.”

“Why are you so depressed?”

SHUT UP! You’re not helping me!

I know you are trying, but its not working!

What can I do to make you understand my thoughts?

I can’t talk to you without feeling as if I do everything wrong!

You look at me with judgement and pity, when I come to you for comfort and love.

The cliff’s edge is closing in, I’m trying not to jump, but you’re pushing me towards the darkness.

Round One: Who am I

Life is about finding yourself and determining who you are.  After nineteen years, I am still not sure! I think this is normal tho, I don’t think we will ever stop learning, growing and changing.  But for now, this is what I know: I am attending college in Florida, studying Finance.  I was born in New York. Upstate, far away from the city.  I grew up playing soccer, basketball, and softball.  My life consisted of sleep, school, practice, homework, repeat.  Low grades always caused me to have panic attacks, so if I wasn’t playing, I was studying.  I developed a high work ethic, time management, and dedication.  But even with high academic standings and earning awards in sports, I wasn’t satisfied with myself.

My depression started freshman year of high school, but diagnosis didn’t come till the end of junior year.   Hiding my feelings and crying silently became daily activities.  Constantly fighting the thoughts in my head was tiring but I hardly slept.  I am not sure why the feelings of hopelessness and self hatred started.  An extremely tragic event never occurred, all I have is my genetics to blame.  Close relatives of mine struggle with bipolar and schizophrenia, its not unlikely that my family history caused my illness. At least thats what my therapist said.  In college, my depression continues, but I am learning to control my emotions better.  My grades are still high, but my self esteem is low. Being alone is an obstacle I am trying to over come.  I am currently pledging for the professional business fraternity, Delta Sigma Pi, something incredibly outside my comfort zone.  I also work three jobs that consume parts of my life.  I am thankful for the opportunities, but my busy schedule doesn’t allow for the “normal” college experience of drinking, partying, and all nighter Netflix binges.

Many people have asked me why I am so different and weird, why they never see me out, or why I am not having a good time.  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. I am not the only one that wants friends, but just can’t seem to make them.  I am not the only one struggling every day to put a smile on my face.  That is a goal behind this blog: I want to meet and help others like me.  I want to prove we are not alone. I will share stories to connect us, opinions and ideas that you can comment on, and motivation that we can both use to keep going.