Fall Feelings

It’s December, and I am in shorts and a tank top.  Christmas is a few weeks away, I have already bought so many presents, but I am not feeling the joy of the season.

Growing up in the North, I miss experiencing different seasons. I thought that now having an endless summer would help avoid the weather mood swings: I was wrong.

High School in New York:

Summer: My favorite.  The sun, the warmth, and no school!  Worked a lot, but made money. Adventures with my two best friends through waterfalls and malls. My mood ~ I could usually make it through the day with a smile and laughs, but nights always came with crying for no reason.

Fall: Soccer season. Hours of practice and games. Surrounding myself with a team who didn’t really like me. Adjusting to the routine of school. Early mornings and late nights. My mood ~ disappointment in myself, lonely, and hardly sleeping.

Winter: Basketball season. Even more hours of practice. Snow, ice, and long days. Midterms and winter vacation. Family visits and lots of food. My mood ~ cold, tired, and hopeless.

Spring: Softball season. Recovering from the harsh winter. Snow would surprise us every now and then, but the flowers and birds would come around too. Bright green would replace the dead brown grass and trees. My mood ~ a little more upbeat because warmer and end of school close by; but still sad nights.

College in Florida:

All the seasons are the same.  There is always sun, warmth, and school. I was hoping to achieve a more positive look, like I did in summer at home. But instead I figured out that the weather does effect my mood, but not as much as the night.  And I can never escape the tired thoughts that consume me as I lay awake.

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Thanks for Nothing

This past week has been anything but normal.

It is holiday time, we got the week off of classes.  Most people went home. I didn’t.  I had an amazing time, but it really hit me that the world is constantly moving, even when you would do anything for it to just stop for a few seconds so you can take a breath.  Reality really sept in when I hardly talked to either of my parents.

Thanksgiving last year I was surrounded by my mom, my dad, my two sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins.  I remember getting irritated with all the questions about school, relationships, life, but now I would do anything to go back.

I only received one text from my mom.  She was only three hours away but I didn’t get to see her.  My sister and I didn’t even know her plans till the day before she left with him. I support her, whatever makes her happy.  I just don’t like the distance that has been created.

My dad texted me all day.  He wouldn’t tell me who he was eating dinner with.  This mystery lady keeps popping up, but he acts like I don’t realize.  He makes the conversations so awkward, he is still keeping secrets from me.  After the six months they didn’t tell me about the divorce, I thought that would be the end of lying.

Both my parents aren’t talking to their parents.  I am not even sure they are talking to each other.  My whole family was close, but now they are splitting in every direction with me sitting in the middle.

Stability is all I want for christmas really, but with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend all deciding to leave my life: I don’t think stability is coming any time soon.  Christmas is suppose to be times filled with joy and happiness, but I am going to be too worried about who I am going to spend more time with.

They say the first year is the hardest.

Monday Music

Hi guys,

So I decided to add something new to my blog.  To increase my motivation and posting I joined a Community Event where I will post a song that I really connected to throughout the week.

Music has always been a form of escape for me, so this fits well.

If you guys want to share any of your favorite music with me, I am always looking for new stuff!!!!

This week I am choosing Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?”. From previous posts, you may have figured out I am going through a rough time in my relationship.  This song connects to both sides of the issue.  I do not understand why my boyfriend decided to act the way he did, but I also do not know why I decided to stay. I just want the cycle to end. We have our constant ups and downs, but I think it will all be worth it in the end. I have never been a Justin Bieber fan, but his new lyrics have really connected to me.

But that’s not me.

“But you did a great job”I have been constantly told my entire life.  I have been fortunately enough to have an amazing family that supports me with everything and anything I do.  My school grades have been above average. My athletic abilities beat the norms. My body doesn’t gain weight. I am so incredibly lucky.

But why don’t I see that.  I never feel good enough.  Not once has my dad said I have disappointed him, yet everyday I feel like I could be doing more. My grades are high, but anything less than an A gives me anxiety. I was recruited by multiple teams  in high school, but yet I didn’t try out for the soccer team in college. I am normal for my height, but yet I still consider myself chubby and find myself skipping meals.

But you would never know.  My mom has her own life to care about.  I have straight A’s, I can’t complain.  I can run 4 miles without stopping. I can go a whole day without eating and not show any signs of fatigue.

But who cares. I can pretend to be happy with my parent’s divorce.  I can pretend to live with the stress classes put on my back. I can pretend to forget about the adrenaline felt in a game. I can pretend to walk across campus confident in my body.

But that’s not me.

Don’t Let Me Jump

“Breathe.”

“Let it go.”

“Calm down.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You need to change.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are just overreacting.”

“Why are you so depressed?”

SHUT UP! You’re not helping me!

I know you are trying, but its not working!

What can I do to make you understand my thoughts?

I can’t talk to you without feeling as if I do everything wrong!

You look at me with judgement and pity, when I come to you for comfort and love.

The cliff’s edge is closing in, I’m trying not to jump, but you’re pushing me towards the darkness.