Thanks for Nothing

This past week has been anything but normal.

It is holiday time, we got the week off of classes.  Most people went home. I didn’t.  I had an amazing time, but it really hit me that the world is constantly moving, even when you would do anything for it to just stop for a few seconds so you can take a breath.  Reality really sept in when I hardly talked to either of my parents.

Thanksgiving last year I was surrounded by my mom, my dad, my two sets of grandparents, uncles, aunts, and cousins.  I remember getting irritated with all the questions about school, relationships, life, but now I would do anything to go back.

I only received one text from my mom.  She was only three hours away but I didn’t get to see her.  My sister and I didn’t even know her plans till the day before she left with him. I support her, whatever makes her happy.  I just don’t like the distance that has been created.

My dad texted me all day.  He wouldn’t tell me who he was eating dinner with.  This mystery lady keeps popping up, but he acts like I don’t realize.  He makes the conversations so awkward, he is still keeping secrets from me.  After the six months they didn’t tell me about the divorce, I thought that would be the end of lying.

Both my parents aren’t talking to their parents.  I am not even sure they are talking to each other.  My whole family was close, but now they are splitting in every direction with me sitting in the middle.

Stability is all I want for christmas really, but with my family, my friends, and my boyfriend all deciding to leave my life: I don’t think stability is coming any time soon.  Christmas is suppose to be times filled with joy and happiness, but I am going to be too worried about who I am going to spend more time with.

They say the first year is the hardest.

Monday Music

Hi guys,

So I decided to add something new to my blog.  To increase my motivation and posting I joined a Community Event where I will post a song that I really connected to throughout the week.

Music has always been a form of escape for me, so this fits well.

If you guys want to share any of your favorite music with me, I am always looking for new stuff!!!!

This week I am choosing Justin Bieber’s “What Do You Mean?”. From previous posts, you may have figured out I am going through a rough time in my relationship.  This song connects to both sides of the issue.  I do not understand why my boyfriend decided to act the way he did, but I also do not know why I decided to stay. I just want the cycle to end. We have our constant ups and downs, but I think it will all be worth it in the end. I have never been a Justin Bieber fan, but his new lyrics have really connected to me.

But that’s not me.

“But you did a great job”I have been constantly told my entire life.  I have been fortunately enough to have an amazing family that supports me with everything and anything I do.  My school grades have been above average. My athletic abilities beat the norms. My body doesn’t gain weight. I am so incredibly lucky.

But why don’t I see that.  I never feel good enough.  Not once has my dad said I have disappointed him, yet everyday I feel like I could be doing more. My grades are high, but anything less than an A gives me anxiety. I was recruited by multiple teams  in high school, but yet I didn’t try out for the soccer team in college. I am normal for my height, but yet I still consider myself chubby and find myself skipping meals.

But you would never know.  My mom has her own life to care about.  I have straight A’s, I can’t complain.  I can run 4 miles without stopping. I can go a whole day without eating and not show any signs of fatigue.

But who cares. I can pretend to be happy with my parent’s divorce.  I can pretend to live with the stress classes put on my back. I can pretend to forget about the adrenaline felt in a game. I can pretend to walk across campus confident in my body.

But that’s not me.

Causing My Own Heartbreak

As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

14 months ago I let him in to see the real me.  I showed him my scars, my fears, my self-hatred.  He did not understand, but he learned to accept.  At that time I had just started college and I was lost.  I had no feelings. He gave me something to feel.  He put a smile on my face that was genuine.  He gave me butterflies in my stomach.  I started to crave him. Every weekend was spent with him. He wasn’t ready for a relationship. But he wanted me.

10 months ago he started talking to other girls. We had just become “official”.  He asked me to be his after a night of drinking and me begging him to ask me. I let it slide, it hurt and he knew it did.  He held me as I cry.  He said it would never happen again.

6 months ago I left to go home for the summer.  I think he was scared when I left, we almost broke up but I convinced him to stay.  We had so much trust over those weeks. We had our ups and downs, but we both weren’t good with long distance.

4 months ago I came back. It was different but we were adjusting. He got his own apartment. His dog died. He cheated on me.

2 months ago I found out.  He was on his second other girl and talking to even more.  I found that he had been talking to one for longer than he knew me.  I beat myself up.  I slapped him.  He got mad. But I begged him for forgiveness.  I begged him to let me stay. He did.

1 month ago he promised everything was better. We were smiling.  I was checking his phone as he slept. I was anxious, he was calm.  He had everything he wanted. He had everything he needed.

2 days ago, he was talking to more girls.  He may have had one over for all I know.  He has been so distant.  But I have been asking too many questions, making irrational stories, texting too often.  Trying to close the distance just created more.  I wanted to talk, he wanted to sleep.  I gathered my things and asked him to take me home.  He had nothing to say. I sat outside for hours crying trying to figure out what I did wrong. I hardly slept in between panic attacks.

Last night, he agreed to meet.  I couldn’t just leave it where it was. I need closure.  I need him.  When he arrived we were awkward, but I asked to go for a walk. He accidentally called me boo.  It all went down hill from there. I grabbed his hand and held it.  We cried, hugged, talked, joked, kissed.  We were going in circles.  He decided he needed space and he wasn’t right for a relationship, but yet he played with my hair and stroked my cheeks.  He wants to be friends. I want to be more.  Shouldn’t it be the other way around. I should be the one backing away. I should be the one breaking up with him. I know that I deserve someone committed 100% to me and only me.  But I am suffocating in the hope I have that he can give that to me. He just needs to figure that out. He has cheated, made me wait hours to get a responds, backed out of plans. He has made me truly smile, feel good about myself, felt happiness.  Maybe someone else can give me that but I don’t want to risk losing him.  I feel weak.  But I feel in love.

Before he left I asked him if he loved me. He held me and said yes but only sometimes. He finished by confirming he would text me, this topic wasn’t done yet.  As he pulled away in his car, I felt more confused then ever.  No longer as sad, but just numb. What have we become… what have I become.

“we want to be fixed by the same people who break us and that’s the worst kind of pain imaginable” – r.h. Sin

Don’t Let Me Jump

“Breathe.”

“Let it go.”

“Calm down.”

“You’re pathetic.”

“You need to change.”

“What’s wrong with you?”

“You are just overreacting.”

“Why are you so depressed?”

SHUT UP! You’re not helping me!

I know you are trying, but its not working!

What can I do to make you understand my thoughts?

I can’t talk to you without feeling as if I do everything wrong!

You look at me with judgement and pity, when I come to you for comfort and love.

The cliff’s edge is closing in, I’m trying not to jump, but you’re pushing me towards the darkness.