But that’s not me.

“But you did a great job”I have been constantly told my entire life.  I have been fortunately enough to have an amazing family that supports me with everything and anything I do.  My school grades have been above average. My athletic abilities beat the norms. My body doesn’t gain weight. I am so incredibly lucky.

But why don’t I see that.  I never feel good enough.  Not once has my dad said I have disappointed him, yet everyday I feel like I could be doing more. My grades are high, but anything less than an A gives me anxiety. I was recruited by multiple teams  in high school, but yet I didn’t try out for the soccer team in college. I am normal for my height, but yet I still consider myself chubby and find myself skipping meals.

But you would never know.  My mom has her own life to care about.  I have straight A’s, I can’t complain.  I can run 4 miles without stopping. I can go a whole day without eating and not show any signs of fatigue.

But who cares. I can pretend to be happy with my parent’s divorce.  I can pretend to live with the stress classes put on my back. I can pretend to forget about the adrenaline felt in a game. I can pretend to walk across campus confident in my body.

But that’s not me.


14 thoughts on “But that’s not me.

  1. We are our worst critics. I grew up in a similar situation where I was loved and supported. I made good grades did a host of extracurricular activities and had my own group of friends. But none of that stopped me from feeling that I aS not good enough.Even now I still fight that voice that says “you are no where near as good people think you are. You are not worthy of their love and admiration.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. For many years, I felt as though new acquaintances would stop liking me once they really knew me well. Even though this was not borne out, I still felt this way. Ideas we get about ourselves in high school often persist well into our middle age, even though they are proven over and over to be untrue. Hope you squash yours sooner than I did!!!

    Liked by 1 person

      1. But if they are the worst, they won’t have been the best years! Those lie in front of you!!! I think the qualities that made my college years unhappy were the ones that served me best in life, so just have confidence in yourself, be yourself, and wait for life to catch up to you. Do not despair. If you keep faith, you’ll find your place in life.

        Liked by 1 person

  3. My sister made me do this exercise one day when I was feeling down about not being where I thought I should be at this point in my life. She told me to write “Lynette is . . . ” at the top of a sheet of paper. Then she told me to make a list of twenty words that described me. Afterwards I was told to go back to the top and write ” right where she is supposed to be”. It was a silly little exercise but it stuck with me. I have the paper hanging up right next to my bed as a reminder.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I might try this. It actually seems like a brilliant idea. I am having trouble finding myself and maybe this will kick start the journey. Thank you for sharing. I would add caring to your list of words 🙂

      Liked by 1 person

  4. You yourself tell you are very bright so I need not suggest much.

    What I have to tell is simple: don’t focus on negatives and cultivate gratitude. Life will become much better. Maybe you don’t have faith in small things like these but I can assure you that there is no harm in giving them a try.

    For example: Instead of keeping ‘stressed’ in the focus of your attention, in both your profile name and blog name you can change it to something you want to feel–maybe ‘peaceful’ or ‘content’ or ‘loved.’

    Like mantras, these words do affect you a lot.

    Just a suggestion.

    Love and light ❤

    Anand 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I would never know what divorce feels like, because I have never had it happen to me. I’m thankful that I am, per say, “sheltered” from that. But, to you, an unlucky one to have to go through this, I say that you don’t have to let this define you. When you get into a relationship with someone special and you feel like they’re the one, try your best to understand if they really are the ones you want to spend your whole life with. Don’t compromise and make it work–know for sure that they’ll be with you forever.
    This can’t be a tranquilizer for what you feel inside–nothing really can because you’ll still feel it. All I wanted to share with you is that you can keep going, and you should. Be happy with you!
    Anyway, good luck in your writing and the rest of you life!


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