Round One: Who am I

Life is about finding yourself and determining who you are.  After nineteen years, I am still not sure! I think this is normal tho, I don’t think we will ever stop learning, growing and changing.  But for now, this is what I know: I am attending college in Florida, studying Finance.  I was born in New York. Upstate, far away from the city.  I grew up playing soccer, basketball, and softball.  My life consisted of sleep, school, practice, homework, repeat.  Low grades always caused me to have panic attacks, so if I wasn’t playing, I was studying.  I developed a high work ethic, time management, and dedication.  But even with high academic standings and earning awards in sports, I wasn’t satisfied with myself.

My depression started freshman year of high school, but diagnosis didn’t come till the end of junior year.   Hiding my feelings and crying silently became daily activities.  Constantly fighting the thoughts in my head was tiring but I hardly slept.  I am not sure why the feelings of hopelessness and self hatred started.  An extremely tragic event never occurred, all I have is my genetics to blame.  Close relatives of mine struggle with bipolar and schizophrenia, its not unlikely that my family history caused my illness. At least thats what my therapist said.  In college, my depression continues, but I am learning to control my emotions better.  My grades are still high, but my self esteem is low. Being alone is an obstacle I am trying to over come.  I am currently pledging for the professional business fraternity, Delta Sigma Pi, something incredibly outside my comfort zone.  I also work three jobs that consume parts of my life.  I am thankful for the opportunities, but my busy schedule doesn’t allow for the “normal” college experience of drinking, partying, and all nighter Netflix binges.

Many people have asked me why I am so different and weird, why they never see me out, or why I am not having a good time.  I don’t think I am the only one with this problem. I am not the only one that wants friends, but just can’t seem to make them.  I am not the only one struggling every day to put a smile on my face.  That is a goal behind this blog: I want to meet and help others like me.  I want to prove we are not alone. I will share stories to connect us, opinions and ideas that you can comment on, and motivation that we can both use to keep going.

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11 thoughts on “Round One: Who am I

  1. I was just like you is high school and college, but I didn’t get treatment until I was 23. Kudos for working towards stability already. If your mood isn’t good though, you might need a different medication. It’s pretty normal to try a few before finding one that works well.

    College is really hard when you’re also struggling with depression. But it can be done, and you can do well. Your path may look different than the average, but that’s OK. Best wishes!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Hey, thanks for visiting and the support! I actually am not on medication anymore, I am trying to fight it myself… but I am finding it might not be my best solution. I dont have much time to see a therapist. I am doing my best and hope this can be my therapy! Thanks again, maybe we can talk again soon 🙂

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      1. Sure, no problem. 🙂 There are plenty of things you can do other than therapy to help you feel better. I highly recommend medication, but that’s me and I know it’s not for everyone. I have a post “What patients say works for depression” that I’d steer you towards. Great information on largely non-medicinal ways to fight depression.

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You are right. Its really hard sometime to struggle for a smile on our face. but we all have to go through it. When I had to do it, I used simple way to get rid of depression and it was quite pretty fit for me. Getting up early in morning at about 5 a.m and then doing some bows and prayers was wonderful therapy without medication. It helped me successfully to fight with depression. Now I don’t need any Medication. I am quite well and happy more than past with my family. My siblings and most precious is my life-partner. 🙂 Stay blessed and say Alhamdu-lillah; one word therapy.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you! I have never been religious, but maybe some form or meditation of some sort will help relieve stress. I understand everyone has to face sadness, and that is why I am writing this blog. To connect to others and realize no one is alone. Thank you again 🙂

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  3. Yeah, I know how you feel, depression is really hard to go through and just like in your family, a lot of them have depression and other illnesses. I’m still slowly trying to get through mine each day and just hoping for happiness. Since I do suffer from depression I just want live life to my fullest and love each and everyday that I have. Even though I do suffer from depression, I want to be a light to those around me and I’m just so happy to see that I’m not alone in this. Thanks for making my day (well more of night since it’s pretty late here…) but still thanks!!!

    Liked by 1 person

    1. I am glad that I could be of help! This made me smile! That is my overall goal to show others that they’re not alone and neither am I. Sooo many people are suffering in silence and I want to be a place that they feel like they can talk about their struggles and stresses without feeling judged or not understood. I hope to talk to you again soon 🙂

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